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A sign of Spring

When Chris was first made redundant, in Autumn 2009, he was very keen to be seen to be pulling his weight as a “house-husband” and spent some time working in the garden. Unfortunately, that enthusiasm didn’t last as the misdiagnosed cancer was making him weaker. But he did spend a while planting dozens of crocus bulbs in a patch of the lawn, where he hoped they would naturalise.

Crocuses outside the bedroom window

I’ve been away on business most of this week, so haven’t seen much of the garden in daylight. But yesterday morning, when I opened the bedroom curtains, the first thing I saw was ~50 cheery yellow crocus blooms right outside the bedroom window. It’s a lovely sign that Spring is on its way at last.

Chris may have never once bought me a bunch of flowers, but I’d so much rather have this living display. It will make me smile and think of him every Spring.

Farewell Joan

Joan, the Australian cancer blogger I mentioned earlier this week, died today. My thoughts are with her husband Kevin and their family.

Kevin blogged earlier this week about terminal agitation, and how the palliative care nurses explained to him what was going on and helped Joan cope with it. Chris also suffered from that in the last few ghastly days at the hospice, when he kept struggling to get out of bed. He was surprisingly strong and it was very difficult to stop him hurting himself. I found Kevin’s post about Joan immensely reassuring, even six months later, because it helped me understand what we went through.

 

Pacing myself

Work is completely frantic at the moment. It always is in the last quarter of the financial year – both the company and our main customer have financial years ending in March, so there is a huge pressure to get projects completed, research written up, and (most importantly!) invoices submitted. This year seems even worse than usual and I have got a considerable number of major milestones all due to be completed and submitted over the next five weeks.

In previous years I’ve just gone with the flow,  accepted that I’d be working crazy hours from January to March, and then I would take a good long holiday in the relative quiet of April to recharge my batteries. But this year I simply haven’t got the energy to do that. It takes so much effort just to get up in the morning, and to gird my loins to face the day and hold myself together, that I can’t currently manage to cope with a full-time job, let alone overtime on top of that.

I had a long talk with my boss before Christmas about how best to balance my commitment to work with not overdoing it. After all, I’m no use to them if I drive myself into another state of exhaustion. He was very supportive, and we decided that the best thing to do was for me to go part-time, at least until May when we’ll review the situation and see if I’m strong enough to go full-time again. So at the moment I’m working a nominal three-day week, but spread flexibly over the full five days. So on a typical day I’ll get in mid-morning and work until mid-afternoon. I’m in the office daily, so crises don’t get much of a chance to build up, I can have a leisurely start to the day to give me time to psych myself up, and I can come home before I get too shattered.  All in all, it’s an arrangement that’s working very well.

I’ve also taken on board something that the family counselor from the Hospice advised. She suggested that I try not to work for more than six to eight weeks without a break, but rather to schedule in some long weekends off to give me a chance to unwind a bit before returning to the fray. That sounded very sensible advice, so I had a short break at my parents’ last weekend. I did little other than sleep, and my mother spoiled me rotten (bacon sandwiches in bed for breakfast!). I came back much refreshed.

I need to find a work-life balance that is sustainable in the long term. I think the key is going to be to try to pace myself, and not let the exhaustion creep up on me.  So I’ll see if this part-time working interspersed with long weekends does the trick. It’s looking good at the moment.

A tale of two blogs

There are, as I’m sure you can imagine, lots and lots of people “out there” blogging about living with (and indeed dying from) cancer. When Chris was first diagnosed we spent a while surfing the net reading about other people’s experiences. Many of the blogs we came across were too depressing, or not updated regularly, or simply didn’t resonate with us, so we simply stopped following them regularly. There were two however, which particularly captured our imagination and first we, and latterly I, have been following them at least weekly.

Jeanne comes across as (I hope she’ll forgive me for saying!) a somewhat formidable American woman who has had an aggressive metastatic breast cancer for the last eleven years. In that time she’s been through virtually every treatment there is, and has strong views on being the one in control of her treatment, rather than being dictated to by the doctors. We liked her attitude, though I don’t think we needed any on-line encouragement to rigorously question Christopher’s medical team – after all it’s part of our scientific training…

Currently, Jeanne is taking part in a clinical trial for something called T-DM1, which sounds like a new “drug of last resort” when standard treatments have failed. It is working remarkably well, and she is now in clinical remission for the first time in many years. However, she can’t simply relax and enjoy being in remission, because somehow she has to raise enough money to fund the cost of being in the trial, as well as her current ongoing treatment. This is the USA after all, and she’s been too ill to work for many years now, so of course there’s no work’s medical insurance to pick up the bills. It makes me really appreciate the good old NHS – at least we never had to worry about paying for the best available treatment.

Joan is the other cancer blogger I read regularly. She is an Australian, who was diagnosed with advanced (metastatic) bowel cancel within a few days of Christopher’s own diagnosis in December 2009. They started blogging about their experiences at about the same time, and we’ve been reading each other’s blogs ever since. Joan has been enduring an aggressive regime of chemotherapy for the last year, and is always a cheerful online presence, despite the ghastly side-effects of the treatment. Unfortunately, the oncologists have recently concluded that there is nothing much more to be gained from further treatment, and she is currently very ill and in hospital. I really feel for her – and also for her husband Kevin. I have an inkling of what he must be going through at the moment and, believe me, stressful doesn’t begin to cover it.

It’s odd in a way. I’m never going to meet either of these women, and under other circumstances our paths would never have crossed. Yet I’ve been following their stories with keen interest for the past 14 months or so, and the positive attitude with which they face their illness inspired us both.

Trying to Ignore Valentine’s Day

When I was a “smug married” (to quote Bridget Jones) we never really bothered with Valentine’s Day. Certainly not to the extent of supporting the totally OTT commercialization that surrounds it – tacky cards, overpriced flowers, and expensive dinners à deux in restaurants full of loved-up couples – all of which we were happy to give a miss.

In fact, now I come to think of it, Chris never once bought me flowers in twenty years. He said that a) I was a feminist and it would be demeaning to buy me flowers (huh? does not compute…..); b) I never bought him any flowers either; and c) if I wanted them that much I could buy them myself!

I can only remember one occasion when we made a special effort for Valentine’s Day, and that was our first one. Chris was living in a tiny one-bedroomed flat with a galley kitchen and only a two-ring Baby Belling to cook on. Somehow he managed to produce from scratch a delicious duck à l’orange, followed by profiteroles with a butterscotch sauce. I remember thinking at the time that if that was what he could knock up with totally inadequate cooking facilities, it would be good to see what he could do with a proper kitchen…….

We had actually planned to make an effort for the first time since then and go away last February. We had booked a holiday cottage in Devon for the weekend – with a hamper of local gourmet food thrown in. Unfortunately, we had to cancel that as that was in the middle of his chemo and he was too unwell either to go, or indeed to enjoy the food if I had got him there.

This year, of course, Valentine’s Day acts as a very pointed reminder that I’m not part of a couple any more. I expect I’m just being over-sensitive to the content matter, but the newspapers, television, shops etc seem extra-full of lovey-dovey couples parading their togetherness. I’m trying to ignore it all, as I really don’t want to have salt rubbed into the still open wound of losing Chris, but it’s not easy. I reckon some (not heart-shaped) chocolate is called for this evening!

Putting my guests to work

I had lightbulb blow last week, and it was in the most awkward place in the house – right at the top of the stairs in the extension. I simply couldn’t reach it either from the stairs or from the room above – I’m too short. So it was a temptation too great to resist to make use of the fact that my sister’s boyfriend is 6’+ and could lean over the banisters to reach the light fitting. I did have the grace to feel slightly guilty that I was putting P. to work as soon as they arrived on Friday night, before he even got a chance to sit down with a cup of tea! But not so guilty that it stopped me from making full use of having a tall man in the house……

I’ve also been having major trouble over the past few months with my garage doors. They’re wooden, and I think the timber must have swollen. Furthermore, the lock had also seized, so I couldn’t unlock the door and even if I had I wouldn’t have been able to pull open the doors. I asked the gardener last week to have a look at them, and with the aid of a lot of brute force he was able to turn the key and force the doors open. He then shaved the timber to free up the sticking points so that the doors would open and close – still quite stiffly, but at least I could manage them. However, no amount of WD40 or 3in1 would unseize the lock, which was now stuck open. I don’t keep anything valuable in there, and the house itself was still secure, but I wasn’t happy at being unable to fasten the garage door. So again I made shameless use of the fact that I had guests, and P. very kindly fixed a big steel bolt to the inside of the garage door. He’s done a good job  and I’m much more comfortable to have a secure garage again. (I did notice my sister’s ears prick up when he confessed that he’d almost enjoyed doing it – I suspect that there will be a long list of DIY jobs coming his way for next weekend!)

Then, later in the weekend after the two of them had left for home, our friend Graham popped in to update me on his recent grand tour of the USA and Canada. I hadn’t seen him since just after the funeral, and was keen to hear about his trip on the Rocky Mountineer train – something that Chris and I had wanted to do. Between the two of us (well, mostly him actually), we managed to get Chris’s Mac computer booted and running for the first time since he died, so that was another visit that was useful as well as enjoyable.

So I’d like to publicly thank my weekend’s visitors for being so good-humoured about being put to work sorting out some of my domestic issues. I enjoyed seeing you all, and hope you’ve not all been put off by being shamelessly made use of!

The pancakes were delicious

I’m pleased to report that  the new frying pan is much better than my grotty old one, and the pancakes that J. and P. cooked for breakfast yesterday were delicious. (J. did chunner a bit that since I’d told the world via this blog that pancakes were on the menu, she felt under pressure to oblige. Hey, that worked then!)

It is a John Lewis pan, and I was so impressed with it that when I was in Waitrose this evening I bought myself a small non-stick saucepan from the same range. That can replace the saucepan I bought as a student nearly twenty-five years ago. The non-stick coating failed many years ago, and the handle has come off the lid leaving a metal stump so I have to use an oven glove to remove it. We should have replaced the pan years ago, but since I wasn’t doing the cooking and Chris never complained about it, we never bothered. Now, however, I’m finding cooking enough of a daily challenge without putting up with dodgy equipment and I think having some decent pans will make life easier. Thanks J & P not only for the frying pan but also for prodding me into spending some money on kitchenware!

Christmas part two

My sister and her boyfriend are coming here for the weekend, bringing with them some of my Christmas presents that were too heavy and/or bulky for me to take back home on the train. It’s going to be like Christmas all over again, as I’ve actually forgotten what some of the presents are!

I know that there is a good frying pan amongst them, a gift from my sister. She was less than impressed with the state of my pan last time she stayed here. She tried to cook pancakes for Sunday breakfast in it, and noticed immediately that the non-stick coating has metamorphosed into a stick coating. She ended up using the omlette pan to cook the pancakes in, muttering under her breath about how I needed a decent new frying pan. So I was pleased, but unsurprised, to receive one for Christmas.

I hadn’t actually noticed before how crap the old pan was. It had deteriorated slowly, and I’d always just accepted it. But once I knew that I had a new pan, even though it was out of reach in London, I really felt the lack of it. So I think we should celebrate its arrival by having pancakes and maple syrup for breakfast on Sunday morning, and test it out thoroughly!

Throwing pots again

Ever since we first got together, I’ve become something of a closet potter. It was all Christopher’s doing originally – he’d always wanted to understand how to throw a pot on a wheel. So for one of our first holidays together he booked us a week on a pottery course down in Cornwall. The idea was that we spent the mornings having one-to-one tuition from the resident potter, and then the afternoons were free to go sightseeing. That bit was fine – I’d never been to Cornwall before, and Christopher knew the county well, so he really enjoyed introducing me to it. The mornings though were a bit of a disaster.

The problem was a combination of Christopher being a perfectionist and wanting to fully understand the process, and the potter being a fine artist in her own right but a lousy teacher. So every time he threw a wobbly pot (which when one’s learning is all the time) she said “Oh that’s an interesting shape” or “What a happy accident”. But she couldn’t explain to him what he had done to cause the wobble, or what to do next time to avoid it. He got more and more frustrated and by the time we got home at the end of the week he had sworn off pottery for good. I on the other hand (having been reluctant at first) was absolutely hooked.

I tried several places locally, but then discovered Eastnor Pottery, which is just down the road from me, and have been going there regularly for close on 12 years now. Jon Williams (aka Jon the Potter) is an absolutely inspirational teacher, for all age ranges from pre-schoolers to pensioners. Even though I’ve been going there for so long, I still learn something new every time. I’ve made several complete dinner services over the years, and eat off my plates and out of my serving bowls virtually daily – it’s a very satisfying feeling having made my own crockery. The picture below is one that Christopher took of me throwing a serving bowl.

Gillian throwing a bowl

But when Christopher was taken ill, I stopped going to the pottery. It was a commitment of a whole day, and it just didn’t feel appropriate at the time to spend a day on my hobby when we could be doing something together. After he died, the family counselor at the hospice suggested that I should make an effort to do something entirely selfish, just for me, that I would enjoy. I immediately thought of the pottery, and tentatively phoned Jon to see if he had any spaces left on one of his weekend courses. Fortunately he did, and I first went back to Eastnor just a few weeks after the funeral. I found it as absorbing as ever and soon got back into the swing of throwing, and have been back there several times since. I was there again today.

One of the things I most enjoy about throwing is that it is a very “right-brained” activity – it’s all about hand-eye coordination and concentration. So one really  can’t be worrying about anything else, or it immediately shows up in a wobbly pot. It’s therefore a very good stress-reliever, and that’s one of the main things I get out of it (as well as a constant supply of plates, bowls, platters, mugs, wine goblets, jugs, lidded pots etc etc!). I could instantly tell at around 2:30 this afternoon that it was time to call it a day, as my pots started to go all wobbly as my concentration lapsed. I’ve come home mentally and physically worn out (it’s surprisingly hard work and I’ll definitely feel it in my legs and back tomorrow), but I should sleep well tonight as a result.

The Malvern Spa

Malvern used to be a spa town back in the Victorian age, but that all died away many decades ago, and the old bath houses for the Water Cure are all now banks and blocks of flats. However, a few years back an ambitious developer decided to build a brand new spa in the town. It’s in a most incongruous place, sandwiched between an industrial estate and a retail park on the outskirts of Malvern. I think it’s a really ugly building – a big white monstrosity plonked down one roundabout along from Morrisons supermarket.  I’d heard from colleagues at work that it had a state-of-the-art gym, but that’s of less than no interest to me and I had no intentions of darkening its doors. So all in all, The Malvern Spa was something I had noted as a curiosity, but hadn’t investigated further.

I’ve been getting regular back, shoulder and neck massages every fortnight for the past year to stop the daily stress and tension I’m dealing with from causing major problems with migraines and massive knots in my back. I did wonder whether it was in fact doing me any measurable good, but didn’t want to give it up for a trial period to see (migraines are so ghastly, I’d do almost anything that might help avoid one). But then the woman on whom I’m reliant was unavailable for six weeks over Christmas and New Year, and I had to go without. That soon answered the question – on my first week back at work, I woke up one morning virtually unable to move my neck. It had totally seized up. That made the drive into work somewhat hairy, as I found it extremely painful to crane my neck to look over my shoulder when pulling out of some of the many acute junctions the town seems to abound in.  Clearly Something Had To Be Done.

So in desperation I phoned The Malvern Spa and asked if they could fit me in for a back and shoulder massage that afternoon. Fortunately, they could. It was a most interesting experience…….

The Spa is set off what they call a Grand Salon – a big hall with lots of comfy sofas, an interesting looking brasserie at one end serving light lunches, and a fountain as its focal point. More to the point, apart from the staff, I was the only person there who was fully dressed! Everyone else (mostly middle-aged but very well-preserved women)  was lounging around in white towelling dressing gowns and slippers! Most peculiar. I gathered that they were there for the Day Spa, and that dressing gowns were the required dress between dips in the indoor-outdoor Malvern water swimming pool, and visits to the saunas and the crystal steam room……I saw just one man there, in his early twenties at a guess, who had clearly been reluctantly dragged along by his girlfriend. He looked as if he would have been much happier with a pint of beer in his hand (rather than a herbal tea) and was doing his best to disappear into the surroundings!

I have to say though, to be totally fair, that the woman who did my back knew what she was doing and had very strong thumbs which she wasn’t afraid to use on my various knots. She did complain at first that she couldn’t actually feel any individual knots, as my back was completely rigid – like a board. But she was able to get it moving and feeling so much better that I did in fact book a repeat visit two weeks later. That too produced a very satisfactory massage, and I felt much better afterward. This week, however, my regular woman is back at work, so I don’t expect to  need to go back to the spa for another massage for a while.

I think that The Malvern Spa would be a good place to go for a “girlie day out”, making use of the day spa facilities, and perhaps a specific treatment, as part of a group of like-minded friends for a special occasion. Indeed I have recommended it to a friend of mine who wants to take her mother for some pampering for a major upcoming birthday. But I can’t see myself making a habit of going there on my own without a clear and pressing need. I’m not the sort of person who’s prepared to pay a substantial sum for “the total tranquility of the relaxation suite” – I can relax at home for free!