I was idly thinking over the weekend how old I was and how long I’ve been working for my company. In both cases, the answer I came up with at first was a year lower than the actual value. That fits, in a funny way, with the feeling I regularly have that Chris died just last summer, not eighteen months ago – I feel that I’m a much more recent widow than I actually am. It’s a most peculiar sensation, but it’s almost as if I’ve lost a whole year of my life. From the day after the funeral right through to last summer is all one big blur. If I go through my old diaries, or scroll back through this blog, I can see things I did, and with a big effort can recall them. But in general, unless I make that effort, it feels as if my subconscious has just edited out the whole year as being just too ghastly and not something it wants to remember.
I really don’t like the feeling. I’ve always had a good memory, and I don’t like the thought that it’s playing tricks on me. But the good news is that the last six months seem to be in much sharper focus, so I hope that means that I’m beginning to get better.
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The mind has ways of protecting itself, and I have a gap of about 3 years of which I have no recollection from when I had severe depression. On a positive note, my memory and mental acuity has returned to the same level as prior to this space. It is just one of those things.
The other thing that I noticed as I started to get better was that I became more aware of colours around me again.
I do hope that you are starting to get better, and don’t be afraid of the fact that some days, even when you think things are really going in the right direction markedly, it will feel like wading through treacle again. That is transitory and you will soon find yourself making progress again.
Thanks Veronica. I though it was probably something like that – but it’s a very odd feeling!