A mammoth undertaking

I was amazed at the turn-out at the crematorium yesterday – standing room only! Thank you so much to all who were able to come, some of whom I know drove long distances to be with us. I really appreciated the efforts you all made, and I know that Chris would have too. And thank you too to those who sent me messages of support but were unable to attend yesterday. It meant a lot to me.

I tried to say thank you in person to everyone yesterday, but I know that I didn’t get to see everyone. I wasn’t up to holding a big “wake” with all our friends and family after the service – it was difficult enough holding myself together at the crematorium. But I think I had more hugs yesterday than I would normally get in a decade – so thank you all.

It’s surprisingly hard work planning a funeral – even though we could see this one coming. You have to make lots of high pressure decisions in a very short space of time. So I thought I would blog about how I came to the decisions I did – it will help me get it out of my system, and who knows may even be helpful to someone else one day.

Chris and I had the Big Conversation several months ago, in the middle of his chemo, about what he wanted for his funeral. It was the hardest conversation we ever had, but it was important to both of us that I knew and understood what he wanted, and that guided everything subsequently. He said that he wanted to be cremated, and to have a completely non-religious service to celebrate his life. If we were up to it, he would like me and a few friends to speak about how we saw him.

We’d been to a few humanist funerals, and were struck by the fact that, although the services were very tasteful and fitting, the celebrant had never actually met the deceased. It was important to me that the person I chose to lead the service wasn’t a complete stranger to Chris. We did joke about walking together into a funeral directors and planning it together, but that was a step too far.

Fortunately, yet again, the hospice had the answer. The chaplains there make a point of getting to know each of the in-patients and talking to them as individuals. And I was surprised but very pleased to learn that, even though all the chaplains I spoke to were C of E, they are equally happy to conduct non-religious services. I was told that they see themselves as chaplains first, ministering to the individual needs of the patients and families, and licensed ministers of a particular denomination second. I had a long chat with one of the chaplains, Rod, when he happened to turn up at Christopher’s bedside when I was there. Rod and Chris had already had several chats over the previous week, but I gave Rod some “homework” to get to know Chris a bit better. Unfortunately, that was the Sunday that things started to go rapidly downhill, so he didn’t have much of a chance. But at least they did get to meet and chat together before things got really bad.

I had several chats with Rod afterwards, as we planned the service together, and I really liked his style and the way he took on board my strong views about how I wanted things to be.

One of the other big decisions I had to take was the type of coffin. I really considered it a waste of money to go for the top-end range offered by the funeral directors, especially since it would cost thousands and only be on show for 45 minutes before being cremated (ever practical!). But the cheap ones looked just that – cheap and rather tacky. But the funeral director came up with an idea I leapt on – a woven bamboo coffin. More eco-friendly than a traditional coffin, looked a bit unusual, reasonably priced, and (in my view at least) not at all tacky.

For those of you who couldn’t be there, this is the order of service.

Music on entry:  John Williams playing the 2nd movement of the Concerto de Aranjuez (chosen because Chris had absolutley loved seeing him play it live at the Malvern Theatres a few years back)

Welcome: Rod Waugh, St Richard’s Hospice

Tributes to Christopher:

• Gillian – talking about how we met, and giving a brief picture of what he enjoyed doing and what he was like as a person
• In his own words – Rod reading “If not “fighting” then what”
• Friends – Richard, Mike and Neil each speaking a few words about their friendship with Chris. I know they each found it very difficult and emotional, but I am really touched and grateful that they felt able to pay tribute to Chris in this manner – on behalf of all his wide circle of friends
• The Librivox Community – the Librivoxateers put together a very moving audio compilation of them saying goodbye to Chris which we played on CD

Poem – The Jumblies by Edward Lear, read by icyjumbo. That was quite spooky, having his own voice ring out at his funeral, but somehow very appropriate. He read the poem to bring out the sense of seizing the moment, and taking the opportunities that life offers you, rather than waiting 20 years and then thinking “I wish I’d gone to sea in a sieve”

Farewell: Rod Waugh

Finale: The Jacques Loussier Trio playing Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor – again chosen because we had thoroughly enjoyed seeing it played live.

We had  retiring collection in aid of St Richard’s Hospice, which  is open c/o the funeral directors for another month. At the end of that period I shall match the total with a donation from Christopher’s estate and forward it all to the hospice.