A mammoth undertaking » Gillian

Scattering the ashes

Gillian — Fri, 03 Sep 2010 16:50:47 +0000

I spoke to the funeral directors today, and Christopher’s ashes will be ready for me to collect from them on Monday. He was quite clear about what he wanted me to do with them, indeed we talked about it quite a bit over the past few months. He wants me to scatter his ashes, a match-box-full at a time, at interesting holiday destinations all round the world. So that could be places we’ve been together and loved, such as Malta, the Dordogne and Egypt, and also places that we wanted to visit but didn’t have enough time together to do so – such as the Great Wall of China, and some of the superb Roman ruins in Syria and Libya. Christopher’s suggestion was that I use the small widow’s pension that will be due to me from his works pension scheme to pay for one really good holiday per year – and take a small bit of him with me to scatter there. I rather like that idea!

Collected audio recordings

Gillian — Sat, 21 Aug 2010 13:01:24 +0000

The good folk at Librivox have put together a collection of all of Christopher’s recordings for them, together with a CD cover and album art. It’s all available here: http://www.archive.org/details/ChrisBoothCollection

There’s a whole variety of things he did for them – poems, book chapters and a couple of whole books. It’s great to have it all in one place. Thanks very much to them for the kind thought in collating them all.

The funeral

Gillian — Wed, 18 Aug 2010 13:33:22 +0000

I was amazed at the turn-out at the crematorium yesterday – standing room only! Thank you so much to all who were able to come, some of whom I know drove long distances to be with us. I really appreciated the efforts you all made, and I know that Chris would have too. And thank you too to those who sent me messages of support but were unable to attend yesterday. It meant a lot to me.

I tried to say thank you in person to everyone yesterday, but I know that I didn’t get to see everyone. I wasn’t up to holding a big “wake” with all our friends and family after the service – it was difficult enough holding myself together at the crematorium. But I think I had more hugs yesterday than I would normally get in a decade – so thank you all.

It’s surprisingly hard work planning a funeral – even though we could see this one coming. You have to make lots of high pressure decisions in a very short space of time. So I thought I would blog about how I came to the decisions I did – it will help me get it out of my system, and who knows may even be helpful to someone else one day.

Chris and I had the Big Conversation several months ago, in the middle of his chemo, about what he wanted for his funeral. It was the hardest conversation we ever had, but it was important to both of us that I knew and understood what he wanted, and that guided everything subsequently. He said that he wanted to be cremated, and to have a completely non-religious service to celebrate his life. If we were up to it, he would like me and a few friends to speak about how we saw him.

We’d been to a few humanist funerals, and were struck by the fact that, although the services were very tasteful and fitting, the celebrant had never actually met the deceased. It was important to me that the person I chose to lead the service wasn’t a complete stranger to Chris. We did joke about walking together into a funeral directors and planning it together, but that was a step too far.

Fortunately, yet again, the hospice had the answer. The chaplains there make a point of getting to know each of the in-patients and talking to them as individuals. And I was surprised but very pleased to learn that, even though all the chaplains I spoke to were C of E, they are equally happy to conduct non-religious services. I was told that they see themselves as chaplains first, ministering to the individual needs of the patients and families, and licensed ministers of a particular denomination second. I had a long chat with one of the chaplains, Rod, when he happened to turn up at Christopher’s bedside when I was there. Rod and Chris had already had several chats over the previous week, but I gave Rod some “homework” to get to know Chris a bit better. Unfortunately, that was the Sunday that things started to go rapidly downhill, so he didn’t have much of a chance. But at least they did get to meet and chat together before things got really bad.

I had several chats with Rod afterwards, as we planned the service together, and I really liked his style and the way he took on board my strong views about how I wanted things to be.

One of the other big decisions I had to take was the type of coffin. I really considered it a waste of money to go for the top-end range offered by the funeral directors, especially since it would cost thousands and only be on show for 45 minutes before being cremated (ever practical!). But the cheap ones looked just that – cheap and rather tacky. But the funeral director came up with an idea I leapt on – a woven bamboo coffin. More eco-friendly than a traditional coffin, looked a bit unusual, reasonably priced, and (in my view at least) not at all tacky.

For those of you who couldn’t be there, this is the order of service.

Music on entry: John Williams playing the 2nd movement of the Concerto de Aranjuez (chosen because Chris had absolutley loved seeing him play it live at the Malvern Theatres a few years back)

Welcome: Rod Waugh, St Richard’s Hospice

Tributes to Christopher:

Gillian – talking about how we met, and giving a brief picture of what he enjoyed doing and what he was like as a person
In his own words – Rod reading “If not “fighting” then what”
Friends – Richard, Mike and Neil each speaking a few words about their friendship with Chris. I know they each found it very difficult and emotional, but I am really touched and grateful that they felt able to pay tribute to Chris in this manner – on behalf of all his wide circle of friends
The Librivox Community – the Librivoxateers put together a very moving audio compilation of them saying goodbye to Chris which we played on CD

Poem – The Jumblies by Edward Lear, read by icyjumbo. That was quite spooky, having his own voice ring out at his funeral, but somehow very appropriate. He read the poem to bring out the sense of seizing the moment, and taking the opportunities that life offers you, rather than waiting 20 years and then thinking “I wish I’d gone to sea in a sieve”

Farewell: Rod Waugh

Finale: The Jacques Loussier Trio playing Bach’s Toccata and Fugue in D minor – again chosen because we had thoroughly enjoyed seeing it played live.

We had retiring collection in aid of St Richard’s Hospice, which is open c/o the funeral directors for another month. At the end of that period I shall match the total with a donation from Christopher’s estate and forward it all to the hospice.

Thank you all so much

Gillian — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 14:35:45 +0000

By Gillian

Thank you for all the letters, emails, cards and blog comments which you have sent me over the last few days. Thank you for the flowers, the photographs of Chris at university before I knew him, and the pancakes left on my door step. Thank you for the donations in his memory to St Richard’s Hospice, which have already started coming in. And thank you to the Librivox Community for the audio tribute which I shall play at the funeral on Tuesday.

But most of all, thank you to everyone for your kind thoughts and words about Christopher. He would have been astonished and humbled to know that he had touched the lives of so many people. It has been a huge comfort to me in the last few days to know that you are thinking of us.

Funeral Arrangements

Gillian — Mon, 09 Aug 2010 16:59:04 +0000

Christopher’s funeral will be held at Worcester crematorium at 2pm on Tuesday 17th August.

Family flowers only please.

We were so pleased with the care that hospice showed us in the last two weeks of his life, that instead of flowers I should like to invite donations to St Richard’s Hospice, care of Holland Funeral Service, 71 Barnards Green Road, Malvern, WR14 3LS.

Christopher Booth 1964 – 2010

Gillian — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 14:42:29 +0000

Christopher died peacefully at 2pm this afternoon, 7th August. His sister was in time to say her goodbyes. I was with him to the end. He was calm and did not suffer at all.

I’m too upset to manage more than a short post, but I want you to know that we both have drawn huge support from all of his friends reading this blog.

Gillian

A quiet night

Gillian — Sat, 07 Aug 2010 12:27:34 +0000

Chris passed a much quieter and more peaceful night last night. I got a lovely surprise in the evening when my friend Sam turned up with a meal courtesy of our favourite pub – the Plough and Harrow at Guarlford. That was delicious and really lifted my spirits. Thanks J and Mike!

My sister is taking care of all the practicalities at home, and I am simply sitting with Chris, and working with the nurses and doctors to keep him as comfortable as possible. We are not expecting any major changes today.

Family visits only this weekend please

Gillian — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 18:43:59 +0000

Many thanks to those of you who have visited Chris this week. For those of you where he was awake, I know he appreciated your visits. Let us hope that even when he was unconscious he felt your good wishes. It’s now got to the stage where his family need to come and say goodbye. We’ve got a number of relatives on both sides visiting this weekend to say their farewells. The hospice is going to be very strict from now on at limiting both the number and duration of visits, so please can we keep to family only this weekend, since they are all travelling long distances to see him.

End of life management

Gillian — Fri, 06 Aug 2010 10:39:53 +0000

Things went from bad to worse overnight. Chris was very agitated and kept trying to climb out of bed – despite the guard rails being up. That’s how he keeps falling of course. He was very confused and unaware of his surroundings. A nurse and I were with him the whole night, and I got just a few hours dozing on the camp-bed.

This morning I had a long discussion with the doctor. She is shocked by the sudden and massive deterioration compared to this time last week. We have agreed that the kindest and safest thing to do is to move to an end of life management plan. In essence that involves keeping him heavily sedated with phenobarbitone, plus pain relief and various other drugs to keep him comfortable and reduce the risk of seizures.

So Chris will be in no more pain or distress. He will be sedated now for as long as it takes. The doctor thinks a few days to maybe a week (as he is young and strong so may not slip away quickly)

Keep thinking of us both please. I can’t respond to all your comments but I read them all and it is a lifeline for me at the moment.

The best-laid plans of mice and men…

Gillian — Thu, 05 Aug 2010 19:36:06 +0000

By Gillan
Late this afternoon I was given a lift home by a friend. I put on the laundry, updated the blog, made some phone-calls and emails. Then I raided the fridge and larder to see what was still in date that I could call supper. Just then the hospice phoned. Chris had got very agitated, and fallen out of bed again. That’s the third time in less than 24 hours. They asked me to come back into the hospice to sit with him this evening and to sleep on a camp bed in his room overnight. Basically, they think he will still listen and respond to me, and be less agitated if I am here.

There was a logistical issue in getting back here. My sister has forbidden me from driving at the moment as I am liable to get too upset to see straight. There are loads of friends (many of whom are commenting on this blog) whom I’m sure would be happy to drive me back to Worcester. But the Big Chill music festival is causing tailbacks of about an hour right past our house, so it would take an inordinate time to get to me from Malvern. Luckily our kind neighbour Maggie stepped in to help, and drove me back to the hospice. I do hope that the traffic has cleared somewhat for her to get back home.

I have spoken again to the medical staff here. They reassure me that Chris has not hurt himself in the fall. They have increased his sedation still further to settle him overnight. I hope he has a quiet night, and that we are both able to get some sleep.